I don't do the hard things enough

Today was my first and last day at my new/old job… I applied during a chaotic period of unemployment to be a paraprofessional at an elementary school. I thought this would be the best option for me because the pay was good, the hours worked with my spring semester of college, and I would have time to have life. Boy, I thought wrong, or maybe I thought too emotionally.

---

I go in for my first day of my two week “try out period”.

When I was offered the job, they thought to have me sub for two weeks to see if it was the right fit for me since I have only worked with preschoolers and I excitedly agreed on that.

As I go in for my first day, I am extremely nervous. I didn’t really know what to expect and I honestly was just excited to make money since I haven’t had a job in over a month. I’m assigned to a classroom with no walkie talkie, no tour of the school, and really no guidance on what the kid is like. Kinda just threw me out to the wolves.

I was split between two kids in two different classrooms and felt so out of place. I had given myself a pep talk the night before and the morning of but definitely didn’t give myself one when I really needed it, which was right then. I mean for crying out loud it was my first day, I should’ve gave myself some grace but I was consumed by the thoughts of thinking I was incapable and that I wasn't meant to be there.

I had two instances of teachers either stepping in or removing me from the kids, and I could’t help but be annoyed. I was trying. I was trying to observe and engage with the kids but it just didn’t feel like it was good enough. Especially with no guidance on anyone’s part. Not from the lead para and not from the teachers. So we move on to lunch period. By then, I’m tapped out. I felt defeated and completely uncomfortable. Instead of talking myself down, I made a decision. That decision was that it wasn’t for me and that it would be my first and most certainly last shift.

I go on break and come back. I find the principal and just tell her how I felt like it wasn't for me and that I just didn’t feel comfortable. She understood and let me go home…

---

Fast forward to 3pm, Therapy session.

I haven’t seen my therapist in about two weeks and we had just switched my treatment plan prior to this session. I sit and tell her what I had done and how I felt. She wanted me to explain further. She was digging and digging into what about it made me want to quit and what was so bad about it. She reassured me that nothing would’ve been wrong if I thought it wasn't for me but wasn’t for me for the “right” reasons. Meaning if it wasn’t the right fit for me but not because of first day jitters and uncomfortableness but because of actually seeing if it wasn’t the right fit.

This is where I realize I don’t sit in discomfort very well.

I run away when things get difficult in conventional senses.

My therapist, quite literally, clocked my shit. I said I needed to be challenged more and she definitely gave it to me.

I opened up to my therapist about how a couple years ago I was doing so many things to get out of my comfort zone and now I feel like I cling to comfort more than anything. I don’t want to do the hard things anymore, not because they are hard per se but because they make me feel things I don’t want to address within myself. I don’t want to deal with internal conflict, I don’t want to deal with my emotions because I cannot regulate them to save my life. I get consumed by emotions, wholeheartedly; anger, sadness, joy, etc…

---

With all of this being said, my therapist had me write a letter to my future self when things get hard and I have to sit in discomfort that I thought would be beneficial to anyone who reads this, stumbles upon this, or just needs to hear that they can, indeed, do the hard things in life.

I hope anyone who reads this knows that they are capable of the hard things and discomfort is okay.

Prayers to me finding something that works for me!