Banana Split

BPD and splitting

I’ve been noticing lately how badly I’ve been splitting. You might ask, What is splitting?

Splitting is a defense mechanism and cognitive distortion when a person views a situation or a person in extremes.

It’s a very, very common thing for those of us with BPD.

I always thought my days of splitting were over until I sat down and realized, they aren’t. I just don’t split like those that do on TikTok or in the movies. It’s not always loud and chaotic, it’s not in your face, and it’s definitely not to your face.

The past few weeks have been very hard for me. I lost a dear friend of mine to cancer, my best friend is moving back to Florida next weekend, and I started my period. Everything has been exacerbated, and I have been splitting.

I quit my job with nothing lined up. I just felt like everything is fucked up, and now so is my job. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really love my job, but who does? I’ve been battling with my mind for the last two weeks, and I really just wanted to give up on everything. One extreme to the next. Why couldn’t I just be fine with shaving my head or getting a piercing? Why do I have to destroy my life?

My therapist told me that I crave chaos because it’s all I know (well, no shit) and that I am self-sabotaging. When she said that to me, I definitely heard her, but I don’t think I was in the right state of mind to understand.